in between.......

***bonus! 2 posts in one day!******

lol.....

so the other day my cousin asks me if I am going to our Mommom’s (grandmother) for Thanksgiving. She is the first family member to ask me of my plans.

Honestly….i have been going along thinking that I would see LR…would see LR….would see LR. I hadn’t really taken strong consideration on what my family may want or expect of me.

I remember saying loosely a few weeks back when a friend asked me about our November visit and I told her when we planned to see each other….so she asked if I was planning to do the holiday with his family…I said I guess so. I’ve done Thanksgiving with them before. It was actually nice. I enjoyed myself. It seems I joked about my family having to get over it bc I don’t get to see him very much anymore.

I still pretty much feel this way. I mean, I live with my family now. The immediate ones anyway. But when my cousin asked about my grandmother I realized that it was outside of the scope of just my parents and brothers. I haven’t seen my Mommom in a while….it would be great to see her and spend time with her…….but she’s nearly 4 hours away. And seeing her and seeing him,-knowing his obligation to see his family- is not doable.

I’m quite fine with not seeing my family but don’t want to hurt too many feelings…I feel that I need to satisfy my own needs here, yet feel that I shouldn’t be selfish….

So I am not exactly sure. we’ve had preliminary talks of catching a hotel somewhere in a neighboring town…spending time together…..that was before I found out I don’t have any more annual leave time (right before the holidays….sucks) so I will only have Turkey day and the day after off from work. I wont be able to squirrel away in a inn somewhere with him Tuesday and not come out until Thanksgiving (sucks too)…..

i look at the calendar and see that we get Veterans Day….so that’s a 3day weekend and I can run up to see Mommom that weekend. Then she’s done and I get spend the holidays with LR and my immediate family should be good bc I live with them and they see me everyday now. (wonder if this theory is gonna stick)


on another note, in this same conversation, my cousin reveals that her and the guy she has been seeing/dating have been ring shopping……and wants to have the “how do you know he’s the one” conversation.

Swoon……

She’s like a sister to me…..I was shocked/excited/happy/shocked/confused all at the same time….not only have they been perusing the jewelry counters but they have been casually house hunting in Jersey. They have been friends for some time…yet I believe the romantic part came about somewhat recently (this year)….but its obviously progressed quite quickly.

I’m playing the supportive role here. Telling her “that sounds great”. Asking probing question. Encouraging her to let a little bit of history build…..but you could get married at either point. “The hurdles are coming, so you can experience those on this side of dating or on the other side of marriage”. “Pray”…blah, blah blah….

And when we get off the phone I notice it feels as if a hand is gently squeezing my heart. I feel….i feel….what is this? Am I on the brink of tears? Why? Whats wrong?

I’m happy for her right? I am happy for her….i am pretty sure of this. Why do I feel …..i don’t know?

So I climb the flight of stairs to my friends office….and wait forever for her to finish up a case….and in the time that it takes to get her full attention, I seem to back away from those possible tears…but the heart thing is still there….and I tell her (bc I really do well when I get things off my chest you know) and ask her whats wrong with me. "I know that I am happy for her….."

We conclude it’s the What About Me Theory. Where we are happy about achievements and advances for others…..but the moment makes us reflect upon ourselves.

Here is my cousin. Thrilled in and in the throes of early romance. A happy relationship built on friendship and the moment made me reflect on my own personal situation. 4.5 years invested in a relationship that has recently gone long distance. Financial strain standing bw us and the altar. Caught up in some strange limbo as we try to get ourselves to a point where we can come together. Bc as much as it matters that we are committed and love each other, its equally important that we can pay our bills and not be evicted from our shelter. Love and Means is all you need.

So there that is. I felt guilty for having anything other than sunshine and roses in my heart. But the heart is a complicated thing…its not black and white….but many shades in between.

Blessings…..

mirror, mirror on the wall....

I found that scale and here is the number (its been a long time no?)

246.5.

Ok. I am cool with this figure. No I am not. Yes I am…no, I am not.

It goes back and forth like that.

I am a bit disappointed bc I really thought that after all that hard work I put into packing: the lifting….climbing stairs countless times….climbing into that Uhaul countless times…..i would have dropped weight. But this morning results show I haven’t. I haven’t flushed my system yet….so there may be some water there. I haven’t been getting my water in good in several days. My knee is also a bit swollen….i guess I overworked it with the move……can a swollen knee hold that much water? Its not grotesquely swollen….just a little bit.

Last nite as I undressed to shower and wash my hair in my mom’s bathroom….i noticed her mirror. They don’t have any full length mirrors in the house (why is that?) but the one in the bathroom gives you a cold, hard look right down to just above the knee in harsh, clinical lighting.

And I wonder people, is there any truth in mirrors?

I ask this bc it seems every mirror has a different story to tell me….some tell better stories than others. Some downright lie….and a few make me want to cry.

My mom’s mirror tells me that I am still quite fat. That I jiggle. That my butt and thighs are not smooth. That though my rolls are improving, they are still there. That I have stretch marks across my abdomen yet have no kids to show for it. that my body, though fairly young has taken some serious knocks and one of the biggest knocks was self inflicted: obesity.

It also discouraged me before this morning’s weigh in….after the view I got last nite, I was not expecting that much of a difference on the scale. Seems this mirror didn’t lie to me about that.

What i would like is some consistency here. All mirrors should tell us the same thing. All mirrors should just be straight up and say “you’re fat as hell” and then it wouldn’t be such a surprise and catch you off guard.

I was caught off guard. I’ve got this cheval. Its slender design creates a slim reflection…..even 'fat as hell' I looked good in this mirror. This mirror never told me bad things….always gave me maple sugar with cinnamon……for a while this was my only mirror. I attribute at least a 20lb to this mirror. Thanks for the lies, you bastard.

Then I got this wall mirror. It did not show my whole body at once…..but it showed enough to make me aware that the cheval had been feeding me a load of bull. A load of stink bull and I looked like a farm heifer.

This is the mirror that I took those jeans shots in…..bc to me, this mirror is the most honest one in my house. (and those jeans looked great bc the back pockets were so big. Balances out your butt. If you got a big behind, you need you some jeans with BIG pockets)

The mirrors that were in the master baths of my apartment told me slightly different versions of the truth. They were like the 2 teen girls who you knew were up to no good and could never get their stories straight. Each one had a different version of what went down. so I would walk from one to another….one telling me my stomach was getting better….the other saying maybe its getting better. That one telling me that my face is getting smaller…..yet the other one saying probably not.

It was frustrating and I would always be filled with doubt about what was actually going on with my upper body.

Now i got to get back to working on getting the mirror to tell me some sh!t i want to hear.

As I settle into this new routine…I gotta figure out when I’m gonna workout. Do I get up at 4:45 to TaeBo so that I am in the shower by 5:45 and out of my parents bathroom by 6am so I am not in their way?

Do I TaeBo when I get home from work? After an hour + commute and who knows what kind of day? Will I stick with it that way?

Where is my TaeBo????

I am not sure. getting up at 4:45 makes me cringe. That’s friggin’ early in the morning……but I do like getting that exercise out the way before my day starts……I’ve been known to blow off workouts after a day of work…..that has not worked for me in the past……

Crap! I don’t wanna get up that early……..

And this eating with my family thing? Well, its great not to have to cook. I could not cook. Come home and just eat whatever my mom has cooked….but this stuff is not always healthy. And soon as I get some money, (Thank God! I am the prayer of my ancestors at this moment) I can buy me a little healthy fare to stick in the fridge. I got my little mini fridge upstairs too and I plan to buy some Coke Zeros to stash in there so when they are guzzling their cokes and mountain dews I wont fee so left out (like last nite…and the nite before)

I did cave though…after 2 days, I ate a bit of the candy that my mom got for trick or treaters. Dang those snotty kids looks for sweet treats! I ate 2 Now n Laters and a fun size M&Ms……and I didn’t eat them until 11:30 at nite. Sad. Had I held out another hour I would have been sleep with no crime committed.

Happy Halloween to those of you who celebrate....

Blessings to the rest.........

resurfacing.....

she lives!!!!!!!


i have not fallen into a vat of whipped topping to never return again!


i moved guys...you know how that is....my whole life is packed in boxes that are in storage or cluttering my mother's kitchen...things are in shambles. i am disorganized. and i'm back at work....it was/is an ordeal. the whole thing went down like a script by Steve Carell. there was one extreme thing after another which left my nerves fried and shot but probably was entertaining for the flies on the wall......i survived.....lots of fast food...but i made it thru.



i wanted to weigh in this morning but couldn't find my scale. i've been working constanly 4 days straight and i KNOW that has had to impact the scale. soon as i find it....and my laptop, i will let you guys know. i do know where my reward purse it though.






I've run the gamut of emotions this past weekend. all the negative one....very few of the positive one. had a last minute freakout right at the end my brain screamed



"What are you doing?!?!?!" "Are you crazy???"



lol...i still feel that way a little bit.


the alarm didnt go off this morning so i was late getting in the shower and the whole morning was thrown off even worse than me not being able to find a solitary thing before my hour and 15 min commute. which wasn't so bad if i must say so. just wish everybody driving in front of me had the urgency to get to work like i did.


k....just wanted to pop up and say what's up. i should be back on regular schedule in a few days....a new month approaches....woo hoo!

Blessings!

fat n wet.....

you know...there are several inconveniences to being fat. being bigger than the average woman (even though thats technically a plus sized 14) makes life a little harder overall. a lot of times we cope well...but then there are days when it just doesnt seem fair.

like today.

if you live on the east coast its probably raining where you are....or raining near you. or looking pretty cloudy...and thats the catalyst for today's fat rant.

this morning i felt fairly cute. i was wearing that new sweater from the Ave. had on a pair of wideleg trousers that have a wonderful slimming effect if you ask me. i went for the sharp professional look today and skipped the contacts and wore my stark, bold black frames. its was kinda secretary sexy if you know what i mean.

i happily pranced around all day like this. though i havent stepped on the scale, i feel good about myself today. felt smaller. it is always a relief to have a few bad days and not feel as if i've gained back 10 lbs. today's overall disposition was rosy.

it was leaving work that turned my cherry topped sunday sour. as i was leaving, it was pouring...i pulled out my umbrella. as i walked across the expanse of parking lot to get to the busy street to cross over to the parking garage, i could feel the cold rain soaking my arms...

everytime it rains i mange to get nearly as wet with my umbrella as i would without it!

i have yet to figure out exactly how to hold the umbrella perfectly centered over my body thus minimizing the damage. but there is no way to avoid it completely. if you use a standard umbrella expect getting wet to be standard if you are a posh, plump diva trying to get from point A to point B.

i could avoid this by using my huge umbrella...the one that doubles as my walking cane when my bum knee is giving me issue. but sometimes you dont want to deal with that cumbersome thing. its big. its awkward. there really is no comfortable way to hold it...do you use it as a cane and do the step-tap-step-tap? or do you hold it by the handle, forearm bent at a 90 degree angle with the umbrella hovering in the air? i've tried holding it in the middle, but can never strike that perfect balance...instead of keeping it steady it tee totters up and down usually bumping the jaywalker in front of me as i scurry across the street.

then there is the absurd cost of an umbrella thats got the size of the huge umbrella but the compact nature of the standard umbrella. and screw getting a cute purse model that covers your bubble a$$.

why cant i be dry like the skinny chicks? why must my rump get drenched as i desperately try to keep my arms dry and water out of my purse?

by the time i get to my car, i am wet, cold, and grumpy. no longer feeling cute and put together. aggravated with my fat...though i dont take it out on her bc she's sensitive...upset the fat and she's bound to drive you to your nearest italian bistro for a hefty order of calamari and a loaf of warm crusty bread to dip in that awesome olive oil herbage they give you. she will not stop until she is satisfied.....No, No....you cant be mean to your fat ladies. you must nurture her...make her feel good about herself. tell her its the stupid umbrella manufactures who have the problem...not her. that way, you can drive home and take some tilapia out to defrost...no culinary sins are committed.

i'm home..dry. and waiting on that tilapia to defrost. i plan to do a roasted broccoli with that...i've got a taste for some creamy rice, but haven't a clue how to make rice creamy and good for me. once dinner is underway its off to box and bag. things are going slowly...wish you all could come and help me.

blessings!

PS...i finally picked up my TaeBo package from the leasing office. not that i have time to play with it right now. but i am xcited! and forgive me for not coming by and seeing how each of you are doing! i am soo busy. i have no business online at all....but just wanted to post to keep my sanity in check.

fat girl tendencies.....

I ended up getting on the road later than originally planned on Friday. I was gonna leave at 4am. But LR told me that nite that his boss had scheduled a meeting with him at 3:45. Quite disappointed…I decided to push back my leave time since there was no reason for me to get there all extra early.

I left out at exactly 7:03 am and had a pretty smooth drive up…a smooth ride until 6.5 hours into the trip I find myself driving back and forth on the interstate looking for an exit that did not exit. Stupid mapquest. I wasted nearly an hour going approximately 10 miles over and over again.

When I finally figured myself out I realized that it was minutes away from 5am traffic so I decided to make a stop at a rest area to do my makeup, polish up the hair…..then it was back on the road where I promptly got stuck in traffic. I panic…and get off on an exit that is not my exit, but I am concerned that I’m not doing something right and would rather be lost off the freeway rather than on…..i end up on some boulevard…call LR….Where am I? I don’t know? Im on such and such blvd. I see such and such institute……he is clueless and I am useless so I end the call in frustration and pick my way down congested streets…somehow maneuvering my way into his neighborhood and after some lucky turns find myself on a street in which I’m vaguely familiar which leads to more vaguely familiar streets where I stumble (literally) onto his avenue and boom! Crisis solved!

I carry my bags inside…bumping down the hall and stand uncertainly between 2 identical doors…which one was it? 417? 415? What had I written on that package??? I step gingerly in front of 417…key out, considering the lock….i play out how this could go if this is not the right door. An ederly lady opening the door and yelling at me comes to mind. I drop my bags and pull out the cell…which one is it?? Ahhh, ok.

Key inserts....I open the door…and this greets me……

a closer look........

no a 4 yr old did not do that. yes, i am aware that it appears a 4 yr old did. i love him anyway. this was sooo sweet to me. you see, my LR is not creative romanticly...so the fact that he undertook a project such as this in my honor moved me...it really did. i actually cried. he got major points for this.

so this is how the weekend started......

i must admit here (since its a weightloss blog and all) that i did eat all that candy. i am ashamed to say that i ate all of the candy before i returned home. i kept thinking i had to pace myself....and i did. it took me til Sunday afternoon to polish off this mega bag of M&Ms. i ate the last of the Roches in the car on the way home on Monday.....i'm a fat girl, with fat girl thoughts and fat girl tendencies...and one of those tendencies is to consume copious amounts of chocolate in a fairly short amount of time.

i did not punish myself by getting on the scale this morning. that falls within the realms of cruel and unusual.

we had a lovely time...we went to see Heartbreak Kid as we are both fans of Ben Stiller....we went to the movie rental place on his block, rented a few dvds and hung out...... we went out and saw some sites and took in some gorgeous views....overall we enjoyed each others time and really connected.

ahhh....so now i'm back. work was insane. somehow i have to get my apartment packed up and ready to go by myself in a week. i found myself quite snacky today....i think its the stress of both work and the move. the common suggestion is to distract myself, but how? i've got to work....i've got to figure out this move. i'm online right now...but its more procrastination than distraction...i am painfully aware of my desire to eat something salty and crunchy. right now.

i'm tired....yesterday's drive was looong...and i want to get in a nap...then i look around at my apartment...and there really isnt any time for a nap. there really isnt any time for me to be online either.....

oh well.....

Blessings......

like Christmas....

Today has been sooo full….so full already and its barely 4pm…I have just enough strength and gumption to get myself home and crawl under the covers in exhaustion.

But I CANT. And of course I WONT bc like a child awaits Christmas morning I am soo incredibly excited I have to consciously tell myself not to grin like an idiot!

I am not here with these people…these drones who are stuck in the humdrum…these ants milling around the hill trying to please the queen. I am breaking away! I am gonna be free! I will be able to hug and kiss and Praise God I could cry at the thought!

There are now but a few hours bw us…between seeing each others face…between looking into each others eyes…and I apologize for sappiness but Good Golly Ms. Molly I’m Glad!!!!

I want to skip! I want to twirl! Except I’m tired…but imagine me doing that anyway. Imagine me giddily jumping around and shrieking in delight as a small child on the morning of Christmas when the one toy she would have given all the candy in the world for is under the tree.

Today I went to the Avenue….i went to the Avenue and learned that I have been sleeping on the Avenue. I have been sleeping like a big bear snoring and I wish I could slap myself bc it seems like, in the middle of all the clothes that are obviously for your mother, there are a few cute things that a younger, think hip, think sassy woman would wear. And they were having a sale!!!!

But I am getting ahead myself. I must tell you about last nite….

I went to LB as I said and "Yes!" the sale is on and the LB on my side was wonderously stocked with all the jeans in the world if you are a 14, 16, 22, or 28. Seriously!!! Those of you who are this size need to come to my city right now bc LB has all the jeans you could buy in your size!

Now for those of us who do not fall in there you will be disappointed with the jeans that are on clearance. Its upsetting to see jeans on clearance and not be able to find a pair…a pair that you may gleeful grab and save 40% on…..it is enough to make you want a bucket of chicken with macaroni and cheese.

Buuuuuutttt,

If you were looking for tops….then you would have struck gold! I carried 50lbs of tops into the dressing room with enthusiasm and one by one tossed them to the side as they either made me look pregnant, hung weird, didn’t make sense, didn’t fit my boobs, or insert any of your common fit problems here.

Out of an amazing lot of shirts, I selected a measly 3. took them home…tried them on again….decided that 1 did indeed emphasize my belly and no, I would not be able to suck my gut in that far all day. The other was cool but not special enough and thus not worthy of the dollars spent. So 2 are going back to the store. The last looked great with a belt slung 'round the waist and it got thrown in the bag with the rest of the lucky clothes that made the cut.

Now, this brings me to today….where I went to the Avenue during my lunch break and was excited to be greeted by so many jeans for $19.99….and then sorely disappointed in the fitting room as each pair was not cut for my body type plus there was no precious spandex….i also came to the realization that if there’s no stretch I am not quite an 18 yet. I’ve got some ways to go….d@mn self made plateau I am on.

I did walk away with a lace cami and a cute light blue sweater that is similar in the styling of that brown top I was wearing in yesterday’s post. Its looks equally great and now I’m trying to figure out what bottoms I’m gonna pair it with.

I’ve given up on the jeans bc the money I had to spend on jeans was spent on this sweater (and 2 pairs of earrings) so I will have to figure something out at home tonite.

Still have to get an oil change. Still need to get all that crap outta my car. Where did all this crap come from? Who is driving my car and discarding all this random paper?? There are those stupid cereal samples from my bf’s dad….its a mess and I like to get on the road in a somewhat neat car….its one of those hang ups of mine….

So I will complete my workday here, somehow, someway…and not fall over and bust my head on the keyboard. Then I am off to conquer the world…or at least finish packing and get my oil changed.

I plan to pack me some lunches and snacks. Making chicken salad sandwiches. Taking apples and bananas. Gonna do my best to stay out of those service stations bc on the road I get snacky. Love to have me some candy and some salty snacks on the road.

Well, this will probably be the last post before my trip…thanks for all the input! Thanks for all those sweet comments!...thanks for your well wishes.

Have a great weekend, and I’ll be back either Tuesday or Wednesday.

Blessings!

2nd opinion.....

thank you everybody who weighed in on the outfit choice! you guys really have been too kind! i wonder if i'll be able to get into the car with this swollen head you guys have given me!!! lol....

last day at work for the week so i am swamped. i will post later on today before i get out of here since the old modem, even after unplugging it and replugging it is still not working. the cable company is a 8 to 5 business....thats seems a bit ridiculous....but thats the way it is. i'm gonna call them today for tips that i can use when i get back home tonite.

2% spandex......

Pictures!!!

We all love pictures don’t we?? They make the person who types out the words we read seem more real…seem less like virtual friends and more like “real” people. Lol…

Well, I shall provide ladies (and the lurking gents) bc I want to double check with my weight losing crew before i pop the tags off these new jeans I bought last nite….

I’m in the planning phase of packing…last nite I was trying to pull together outfits to pack and trying on stuff to see whats making the cut. I’ve got way too much office wear. When it comes to Fall clothing….there is barely anything that says “pretty, hot, or tempting”…


I think the jeans I picked up last nite fall into this category. 2% spandex, I love you.

After some bad shots such as this


I finally figure out that I needed to bring the lamp closer to the mirror…..





Then I figure out that if I took off the flash, I’d get better results.............

Ladies (and those gents) I present to you My Butt:

Now what i really want is your gut wrenchingly honest opinion....i have been known to wear jeans too tight in the past. are these too tight?? i think they fall into the fitted category...but i want to double check with my best bloggy buds!


a bad shot......


no other shots looked this bad...no matter how i stood or how sucky the lighting was......perhaps this was an anomaly? but i'm including this one bc hey! i figure this is what people will see when i'm waiting on the bus...in line a the movies. i'm not a fan of the crinkles......whats up with that???this shot is the one and only one that made me wonder if they might be too tight.

Of course the drive up outfit needs to be cute bc that will be the first initial impression. I'm thinking these jeans (if you guys say they aren't too tight) and one of my favorite Fall-like tops. i love these tops. i wish i had more of them! they are sooo flattering to my figure!


here is the outfit I am considering:





Everyone looks great with one leg strategically place in front of the other, lol!




a Dead on Shot:





so this is my body ladies. trust me, it looks sooooo much better after dropping over 25lbs.
i've always been thigh heavy...."belly goes with the breasts".......a shot to illustrate.










*Boobs strategically hidden by generous sleaves.* lol! wish i could walk around like this all the time....with a sleeve draped in such a way that you can't see the boob action. the boobs exceed the belly though. FINALLY!

i'm off to LB tonite to access their sale and hopefully grab another pair of jeans and either a cute top or one of those perfectly priced 3/4 sleeve tops.

alright.....those are the jeans....weigh in and let me know.

thanks in advance.

Blessings!

rose colored glasses...

well, i am in this morning with my daffodil tea in tow. i haven't tasted it yet...its kinda in a long steeping process. 1 bag + 1 lemon + 2 tbsp cranberry juice, then i dumped some Splenda in before i ran out the door..... my gf says its a natural diuretic. i tasted some she made the other week and it was pretty good. i'm hoping mine doesnt taste too different from what i remember hers tasting like.


Once again…..you'd think i was moving sometime in november from all the stuff i have gotten done...which for days now is nothing. i was sitting on the couch last nite thinking about that (i did go to the grocery store and walmart...it was not a completely lazy evening)....thinking that, i need to start packing up for my road trip...then thinking i need to be packing. Period. LOL. oh well. i obviously work best under pressure and i'm not feeling the pressure yet. i am sure i will feel it when i get back home.

Today’s payday for state employees here where I live...i’m thinking i'm gonna pull aside a couple dollars to go grab some jeans. For those on the mailing list, you see the latest LB email in your inbox? yeah....40% off. jeans too. i'm gonna have to check that out. i think i'll run by another plus size store tonite to see what they are looking like. but if they can't beat $25, then i'm gonna stick with LB tomorrow (thats when the sale begins). so that decision is made. New jeans for the road.


UPDATE*********UPDATE********UPDATE

seems all that determined water drinking did me some good yesterday. i got on the scale this morning in expectation and was rewarded with a 2.5 drop. i got on 3 times to make triple sure the number would not change. HALLELUJAH!!!! i am soooo thankful!

this means that i am 1.5 lbs away from 30lbs loss. 1.5 lbs away from putting that new purse to use. i'm also 1 lb under my lowest weigh in so far! so yay!!! new number! seeing a new number on the scale always makes me excited. 28.5 lbs loss to date. i'm scale watching like a hawk. lol...i would be sooo happy if i could take my new purse with me to visit LR. This of course is unusual scale behavior for me BUT since I’m days before my trip, I’m allowing it. if i make it to 30lbs before I leave I would hate to have missed it. if I don’t…no biggie. I’m still doing well and will adjust accordingly while away to strive toward that goal.

i also tried on those new trousers again this morning.....i declare....when i hold on to water, its in my thighs. seriously! the pants are not loose by a long shot. they still grasp the thigh, but i havent sat down in them yet. so i dont know.....i thought about wearing them today to see how they looked after they got stretched out from me sitting in them...but figured work was not the place for such an experiment. what if they didnt stretch?....it would be BOOTY FOR DAYS up in the office.


Its incredible what a 2 digit change can do to one’s whole outlook. Perception sake, I am by no means any smaller than I was yesterday….but man! I feel like I’m back on track and reclaiming sexy. Lol! And it feels great!


i also got a self esteem boost yesterday after work. i was wearing this orangey purpley top...kinda flowy. It criss crosses across my chest…very cute… well, i was wearing that and my boobs had been good all day. I had a strategically placed safety pin that keeps the girls from going wild while I’m at the office. After a long day of that I guess they were tired of behaving so when i hung my sunglasses on the front of my blouse when i walked into the deli for a quick dinner after work....they held on just long enough for me to make it to the cashier who i've been seeing in there all summer long. he's tall....dark.....not bad looking. well, as he took in the ‘view’, my sunglasses slowly fell from my bosom. S l o w l y....and i just looked down at them like i was in a dream....the weight of the glasses falling tugged my blouse down even further and Deli man was taking it all in...then stood there looking at them in silence. i readjusted my shirt....and he closed his mouth. then i ordered my food. he takes my card and looks at my name. then hands it back to me. foot long sub was free baby. and heaven knows i was on financial fumes. it took all of me not to grin like an idiot and maintain some look of sophistication as i said "thank you" and walked out the door.

Now, why can't i create that boost on my own? why do i feel so good when a man acknowledges and appreciates the physical? all that smack we talk about its what inside that counts (and in the long run, *it is*) but in the moment...... its not what’s inside that gets you a free meal......no ma'am...not at all.

Blessings....

Tired. I always seem to be tired lately??? Whats up with that?

Well, today was the big day, or morning I should say. The morning that I was to step upon the scale after the “hiatus”…well…I must admit that I gave in before the time and stepped up last week. This morning’s figure is no different than the figure I got last Thursday.

248.

My last recorded weight was 246.5.

That’s a gain of 1.5……..hmmmm.

What have I learned from my break from the scale??? I’ve learned that seeing a number more frequently keeps me on task a lot more. I missed several workouts these past few weeks….and the method I had put in place of having to weigh myself before I could skip out on a workout was not in practice……I also seem less motivated without more frequent weigh ins. It’s the feedback.

So….i think that some level of scale obsession is healthy...lol. at least for me. bc when I screw it and don’t step on, nothing happens or my weight goes up. and if you’ve read my archives you know that scale avoidance was one of the issues that brought me up to 274lbs.

Im still within stone throwing distance of a 30lb lost…..congrats to those of you who have made it….i’m pulling up the rear, but I will get there.

There is definitely a dull layer of disappointment under the surface. I will have had no changes seen last time I saw LR and I will be seeing him this weekend (thank God! I am losing my mind here, people!). I can get into an 18 but getting into one does not equal fitting them. I have to be aware of that difference bc for several years I deluded myself into thinking I was a particular size and held onto clothes 10 or 15 lbs past when I should have given them up. I still say I’m roughly 8 lbs away from wearing them in public. Still on the fence if I’m gonna screw that and wear them this upcoming weekend for some serious booty action that i can guarantee LR would appreciate……..

I was also gonna reward myself with a new pair of size 18 jeans this week for the trip…this was before when I figured I would definitely have lost a few more lbs since I checked in last. I’m undecided on this as well…..my jeans do not fit in the waist but they kinda fit my butt and thighs…..they are no longer sexy (can size 20-22 jeans be sexy? its in your mind...thats what i say) but I don’t look awful in them yet either……I’ve put a few pair in the dryer in an effort to shrink them down some….and it works for when I first put them on….but after a little bit of time they’re stretched out……I see some- no, many- women wear their jeans this way….you know, baggy thigh….saggy butt. This is not a flattering look. It makes you look BIGGER. God knows we aint trying to do that around here…..majority of jeans on the market today are composed of at least 2% spandex....so I could buy a pair and get away with it…….i wont be able to buy jeans again until next month around the 16th……by then I claim that my current jeans will not be options at all….not sure what to do…..any suggestions?

My purses are still in their Steinmart bags……..still hanging on my dining room chair. I am still carrying my busted purse with the broken zipper. I will not cheat. Though I have thought about it. a lot. I had really wanted LR to see my new purse that he helped buy (he gave me $40 towards it) but I could also snap a picture. I am not certain how feasible it would be to lose 4lbs before I left. Bc I am not sure how much, if any, of it is fluid. If 2 or 3 lbs of it is fluid…then yeah, I could lost that before I left. I know my first week “on plan” I lost 7 or 8 lbs. probably all of it was water. I also gave up all salt too….something that I’ve reincorporated into my diet for the sake of continuing to eat healthy. And I couldn’t do that without a few grains of sodium. But I definitely don’t shake a lot on.

I could go sodium free….probably fit into my new pants better. Carry my new purse with me up to New Job City and then promptly put half of it back on as we’ll be eating out (our favorite pastime) and ride back with my pants unbuttoned. Step on the scale….access the damage. Do I hang my purse back up? if I get to 30lbs then go back under…..does that negate my rewards? Not sure bout that either.

No internet this weekend (my modem was flashing and my diagnostic tool tells me there could be something wrong with my “domain name server”…eye roll.) so I read a bit more than I have in a while. I finally got around to my newest issue of Shape and read a line in there that stuck with me.

Some woman whose name I don’t remember, wrote this book with a title I don’t remember, and she said (something to the effect) that anyone can lose weight on pretty much any plan. Its not the plan that you use that helps makes one lose weight…its your ability to turn the plan into a lifestyle. Its changing your thinking.

Then another woman, name forgotten. Purpose forgotten, also stated that Attitude is half of losing weight.

I sat on my couch…reading these words. Digesting these words…..mulling over these words….and they stuck with me bc they echoed truths. They echoed truths that I had learned earlier in this journey…..truths that got me to this point. Truths that I had not been holding true to thus stalemating myself. The new lifestyle I had learned…I determined that there was some wiggle room with it but I wiggled too far. And wiggled myself right off the losing path and onto the sidelines. And my attitude kinda went with that. I’ve not been pessimistic or overly dramatic (see archives) but I have not had such a fire either. I’ve been kinda plodding along. Pushing but not really. Working out but kinda sporadically. Eating right but then slipping in some high calorie treats that pretty much balanced it all out so that every step forward was followed by a step back.

In interest of being honest with myself (ugh) and keep myself somewhat on the straight and narrow, I have to admit that I’ve grown complacent. I had a good run and got comfortable and have not ran much since.

The 2 components of weightloss must work together for me…..i have to have them in tandem. One without the other does not work. I must eat healthy (more times than not) and I must exercise (more times than not). Otherwise I don’t lose anything (more times than most)….the determination…..that’s back. And that had been missing too. Its with determination that I got up out of bed this morning. With determination I completed an hour on the treadmill (without hills today. couldn’t stomach the hills). With determination I drain my 64 oz water bottle so I can fill it up again. With determination I remembered my amped up B vitamins and brought a handful to work to pop with my food throughout the day.

I am determined not to stop here. Determined not to give up. determined not to let 26lbs be enough. Determined to fit into those 18’s and then go for the 16’s, the 14’s, and finally the 12’s. determined not to be a fat bride when the time comes. Determined not to be embarrassed of my reflection when I share the mirror with someone during an office bathroom break. Determined not to be ashamed of my body when I cruise the Caribbean next fall. Determined not to gain back a significant amount of weight and be so embarrassed that I don’t log back in and let my blog get dusty like all those before me.

I am determined to have the right attitude required to succeed on my journey. Determined to recreate a weightlosing atmosphere around me and when I move back in with my parents. I am determined to stop using that word as it is becoming overused in this post.


Cut and bleed time: my finances are in a mess…..I have avoided them and avoided them…and now I must come to terms with them before i ruin myself for ever and all time. I’ve had late payments all over the board…some forgotten, others bc I simply did not have the money. I am disturbed with my finances and wish I could get some help but not quite sure where to turn. Not sure what steps I should take first. I am deathly afraid to speak with creditors. I don’t know what to say to them. Aside from I don’t have any money and something tells me they want me to say something other than that. I have been slack with looking for a new job. The thought is overwhelming to me….and I need to shake myself out of that stupor and get on the ball bc in mere weeks I will be commuting and it will suck much and I need to limit the time that I am doing that.

I’ve been in a shell for the last few weeks…or maybe its been several and I have not acted on anything in particular in my life and it is beginning to show. I need to somehow began to fix this mess that I have created for myself. I need to be praying harder and more fervently and I need to actually DO something so that God can make a difference for nothing can be made of my faith without works.

Alright…I need to grab a tourniquet and tie this off bc I could go on and on this morning. And i should do some work…that’s where I am….and thats what they pay me too little to do.

I pray that everyone is doing well…..and blessed.

a dollar short and a call late.....

its been a long week and these last 2 days have really taxed me. i just really want to chill and its not looking like thats an option for me. i have a full day out of town tomorrow. my dad's b-day was this week so i'm going home to see him for that. for his b-day he wants me to go with him to the Elder's Appreciation Dinner (he’s a minister….its pretty expected that he be there). i sooo dont want to go. these things bored me to tears as a child...but its his choice, so i'm not complaining...at least not to him. i just pray that its over quickly bc i really wanted to make this a day trip and come home that nite so i can have sunday at home and get some things done. those clothes i sorted last weekend are still in the middle of my 2nd bedroom's floor. i need to get something else accomplished in regards to packing. all that kind of stuff.

My co-worker is irritating me...she's been getting on my nerves for weeks now...having her next door is gonna slowly drive me insane. she just drops in whenever it suits her and has a seat and then proceeds to talk about how she is sooo tired and that her bf wont let her sleep and she is cranky...and i'm looking at her like, "i'm tired too, i dont even have my bf around to annoy me...please leave." but i dont say anything. just kind of look at her....and eventually she wanders off. only to come back an hour or so later. i'm running out of nerves to dedicate to her...honestly.

i just transferred over a few bucks from my savings account to help me get thru these next few days. that hurt my feelings bc for the first time in a long time i actually had money in there.....but at least it was available for me to use. i had to buy a charger yesterday...bc i left mine in the woods from the conference. my phone was dead it’s my only phone, so i had to go to alltell after work. they had a clearance package that included a case cover, a car charger and a bluetooth for $55. fine and dandy but what i needed was a wall charger and though i knew that was a great deal, it made no sense for me to pay and walk away with something that still didnt suit my needs. a wall charger was $30. he understood and then said that he would give me the wall charger with the package. ok...that was a better deal! so i got a wall charger, car charger and bluetooth for $58 with tax. not bad...definitely not bad since the bluetooth is $70 by itself. not money i had to spend but i thought that in this situation, since the bluetooth will work with any future phone i get, this was a good deal.

i had a bit of a scare this morning....i always call and wake LR up in the morning when i get up...i called him this morning and didnt get an answer which is extremely unusual....but i left him a message and tried him back 20 min later...no answer…i figured i'd give it some more time thinking that the beeping of his cell would eventually wake him up.....tried about 30 minutes later...still no answer. by this point i am getting nervous that he might have been ill or something during the nite. he's had some issues with heart palpitations and is on medication so i of course grew concerned thinking the worse. he wasnt feeling well yesterday and stayed home from work.....so my nerves were sooo shot and i was sooo scared bc i had no idea how to get in touch with him and there was no one to even call to see if they could check on him....i was on the edge of a full fledge panic....trying to stay calm and praying to God he was ok.....

THANKFULLY....he must have hit the phone during the nite and his phone was on vibrate and he was sooo deep in sleep he didnt even hear it. i was sooo relieved that it was somethig simple...the common sense thing i thought the first time and not worse case scenario....but later on tonite we are gonna have to come up with something to do in case of emergencies. a contact or something that i can call and he can call in case something might actually be wrong with one of us.

it's been a long day at work....i've been working some, but have talked a lot too. i worked a lot more this morning than i have this afternoon......everyone seems to be tired and burned out after such a week out of work and having to come back.....

side note: does anyone else have a webcam??? and if so, how do you set up live conferences bw you and someone else who has one? LR and are a desperate for some face time but have no idea how to even work this thing......i'm gonna try my best to figure it out tonite.

on to the weekend. hope everyone has a great one!

Blessings.....

spiders n toe suckin'.....

I am tired. Going to that conference and coming back to a full day at work today has me feeling burnt out and frazzled.

I did survive. The southeast is still warmer than need be for this time of year, so though we thought we had scored a victory by getting the conference moved to October vs August. It was if God laughed at us as the thermometer edged into the 90’s for record highs in Ocotber. Ugh…

There was less mold and mildew this year. This year my biggest issue with my lodging were the spiders. There were a lot of them. So many that at first I didn’t know if I would be able to stay in my room…but what were my options? I didn’t have any. By the time we got there for check in the front desk was shutting down. My only other option would have been to ask a co-worker if I could bunk up with them….'uhhh, no'.

So I decided to leave all my little spidey friends where they were. Really. I figured this was the best options bc if I went to swatting and missed…then one of them would scurry away, and I wouldn’t know where she went…and then I wouldn’t have been able to sleep peacefully.

There was a harrowing incident with a spider in the shower….as I suds up and contemplated the size of my belly (as I usually do in the shower…I contemplate the size of my belly, breasts, butt, in roughly that order) I looked up to see a 8 legged critter crawling along the shower curtain.


insert Psycho theme music here….


I slowly drew the curtain and on wobbly legs attempted to reach the toilet paper dispenser without falling into the toilet. I made it and was able to catch my little friend and throw her in the toilet…..my nerves stayed on edge….i didn’t scream…nothing overly theatrical. I was primarily pissed bc dammit! I’m taking a shower and I’m literally having a scene from Arachnophobia play out right before my eyes!!!!

Ahhh…what else? Well, I drank too much Tuesday nite after spending entirely too much time working on a special project that was assigned all the groups this year. (insert collective groan here) We didn’t get out of our meeting til nearly 11pm..and afterwards I walked with a male colleague over to another cabin to hang out….the cabins were actual nice little set ups. I noticed that they didn’t have creepy crawly critters either. Furthering my feelings of getting shafted.

Anyway, when I stepped thru the door, the house was packed and one of my gracious colleagues immediately put a cup in my hand….and searched in his stash for something to “reward” me with. He was a former bartender and a member of the same group as me, yet we told him to leave bc he was pretty much pacing like a caged cat and was of no help to anyone. Well, he poured and poured…and I drank and drank. And got myself fairly drunk….fairly quickly.

The exact opposite of what I had wanted to happen. I was the first to say I wasn’t gonna drink with co-workers yet the first to volunteer for Tequila shots! Embarrassing, much.

Even more so that I was sooo hungover the next morning that I missed the majority of the morning session and my poor group had to wing it without me. I made it to the session right at 11am….it started at 9.

I felt like it had been announced in the session bc everyone was all concerned and kept asking me if I was ok….yeah…I don’t drink much. I obviously don’t hold my liquor well…and distinctly remember squeezing a co-workers naked breasts as she’d had a boob job a few years ago and was flipping up her shirt and bra eager for each of us to see how natural and great her doctors work was. (while the men strained to get a peak thru the semi closed door)

Yes, they looked very real, and felt quite real too…as a woman, I would not have thought she had a boob job…they hung like real breasts and everything…not unnaturally perky or high…in fact they fell to the side when she lay back on her back too. If you’re in the Southeast and want a boob job, I highly recommend her plastics man.

I also swore like a sailor and distinctly remember trying to convince the adv manager that getting your toes sucked during sex was something that she should definitely experience and urged that she try it as soon as possible….

Is anyone as embarrassed as me yet??

Lol…oh well. It was what it was…and is what it is. And though I was quite drunk I didn’t say anything that would get me fired….so I’m holding my head up high…yeah…I don’t know when to stop drinking…yeah, liquored up I cuss a LOT…and yup, I still recommend that you get your toes sucked during sex….

Anyone else out there with equally if not more embarrassing stories that involve co-workers or drinking in public??? Please share! I hears its therapeutic to get it out and see that, Hey! You’re not alone! Everyone makes an ass out of herself from time to time.

Blessings!

where the deer and the antelope roam.....

well, maybe not antelope...but there are bunches of deer. and bears! dont forget the bears!

Alas…I am going out to the wilderness. For a “sales conference”. I put that in quotes bc I really have no idea how this better helps the agency.

I’m still plodding along. I’ve been a bit down in my water consumption, so I hope to bring that up to more acceptable levels while down at the “luxury” state park we’re booked at. using quotes again bc its year 2 at this luxury set up and year one proved a doosy on my allergies bc of the mold and mildew present in my lodging. I planned to bring my air purifier this time but with us car pooling in state vehicles there is no room for me to bring extra stuff…….

Being in the wilderness also means there will be no posts from me until Wednesday nite. *Sniffle, sniffle*. I’m gonna miss u guys!!!!

TOM is nearly over so I hope to flush out whatever water weight that I’m sure I am holding on to. I don’t know if I will be able to get much exercise in...bc I don’t know our itinerary yet. And I am not up for walking trails at nite if thats my only free time…..i am not really a nature kinda girl. Not that I don’t like nature. I love it actually. I’m just more of an observer…I do like to hike, but I like it on my terms…not when its forced under the guise of “team building”.

Man, I don’t want to go. i-dontwanna dontwanna dontwanna.

I have a case of bottle water. I have a bag of produce. And when we have to sit down for our meals at the cafeteria, I will make sure to choose the healthier options. I’ll probably end up sharing my water bc most people don’t eat healthy and wouldn’t understand if they wanted one of my 24 bottles of water and I told them that I didn’t have enough! Really, I don’t. I’m supposed to get a gallon in a day. Then their eyes will bug out and I’ll end up in this conversation about healthy eating and drinking habits…i don’t wanna go thru that with people that I only pretend to like and tolerate for 8 hours a day. And sweet heaven above, I will be stuck on a reservation with them for 3 days!!!! Gag, spit, retch…..

I wanted to bring my new crafting stuff for something to do in my room, but I didn’t have enough space to bring that stuff with me. so I have books, a mag and the lodging does come with tv. if I am blessed, I will be able to stand on a ledge outside my door on my pinkie toe and will have just enough cell reception to have a frustrating conversation with LR about how was my day and how was his day in bw the static and the going in and going out.

As I type I just remembered that i completely forgot my bug spray. And my disinfectant spray…..hmmmmm….i might have to go back home. I don’t think our car leaves until 2 or 3. so I’ve got time if I were to leave for a lunch and come back. I might just do that. and grab my craft stuff too…just in case there is room in the car.

Ok….i have babbled enough. I just wanted to check in and let you guys know that Ill be back……

Blessings….

Afterpost: it seems worthy to mention that i pulle dout the tape measure this weekend. my starting waist measurement was a little over 47". sunday's measurement was 41.75". as i have seen on many a blog W00T!

new projects...

Thanks to those who showed concern for my pooch, Hershey (his real name). he’s on the mend. He had quite an allergic reaction to something they put on him at the groomers…he had broken out in hive-like boils. Scary. Plus he was acting strange…aside from the constant rubbing of his body against the carpet, sidewalk, grass and mulch. His anal sacs were impacted as well…this all mixed with a few other minor issues and it all added up. He’s on prednisone (yeah! I know!) and taking it easy. His hives are starting to clear up already.

He’s a shih tzu, so he’s got the whole sensitive skin thing….eye roll…..we do what we have to do.
Kids are expensive. Even when they are covered in fur/hair.


I also appreciate the encouraging comments about my cookie episode. Yes, they came out phenomenally well and were just what the doctor ordered. They were awesome. I had 2.5 that nite. And I took some to my gf T at work. I’ve got a few left. I reserved the remaining dough to bake tomorrow nite to send in another care package to LR on Monday.

I ventured out to the store and bought not 1 but 2 purses today! Woo hoo! No, I haven’t gotten on the scale yet but I went ahead and bought my purse in anticipation of hitting the 3-0-mark. Once I step on next week…and if I make it, I will post pics of my new purse. I have one fave and the other one was on clearance and had red on it and since I am a lover of red, I decided to grab that one 2. It still put me well under the budget I had set for myself. So I headed over to Michaels to pick up some crafting supplies. I’m gonna try my hand at a few things bc, basically, I need a hobby. Lol! I want to try to do some things with my hands….i need an outlet for all my creativity. So I’m gonna try a few things.

Everybody and their momma was up in Michaels today…I didn’t bother looking at the sale paper but whatever was on sale brought out the creative in heart and mind in droves!!!

You know how I’m mock planning my wedding right? Well, a good number of you were cool with me sharing ideas, pics and the like. So here is the first one that I feel fairly strongly about:



We all know flowers can be a big budget buster…and when you suspect you will be working with a small budget…you start thinking of different ways to cut back on this cost. There are a lot of bouquet alternatives out there…and one that has caught my eye and fancy is known as the crystal bouquet.

Above are a basic ones…as you can see its is a bouquet that is made entirely of crystals. Top of the lines use Swarovski crystals…Austrian..the likes. But you can also create a very similar effect with glass beads and Czech crystals.



Several months back, I ran across and fell in luvre with this…..



The maker uses authentic vintage everything (buttons, pearls, broaches) and after I converted the exchange rate I discovered that it would cost me roughly $1200.

*Snicker*

I wondered if I could have someone make it for me….but after doing much scouting around online, I am considering trying to make it myself. Or at least something with a similar theme…….when I showed the pic to my friend T long ago, she said it was indeed beautiful….and I probably could make it myself….. if I started now. Lol….

While I was in Michaels (lots of scrapbook stuff on sale if you’re into that sort of thing) I also perused down the Bead aisle…and picked up a few meager supplies…..just to see what it would look like. I have not bought enough to make even a small bouquet. More like a nosegay. But I want to practice the d.i.y. directions and see if this is a project that I could indeed undertake myself when the time came.



here on the left is an example of one made by a novice d.i.y. bride.....





Since I will be stuck in the woods on a sales conference Monday-Wednesday (not sure if they have Wi-fi out there…*sniffle*) I figure I will have plenty of evening time to figure out just that. So we shall see and I'll let you guys know.



~~~~~~~~~~~



Now for weightloss: despite TOM I did try on a few things this morning. My size 18 jeans I struggled up for the 1st time the other week went on a bit more smoothly. I didn’t have to stuff myself into them. They are still tight mind you……but, in a dark club, I could pull these off with some heels. They weren’t cutting into my belly. In fact, there wasn’t even any overhang. So I am optimistic (nodding to myself)

With fall here and winter on its way, I also tried on my old coat; the coat I had to replace last year…or was it the year before??? Either way, I still have it shoved way waaaay over to the left of my coat closet. I stretched over the mess, madness and mayhem and managed to grab it without toppling over.



I pulled on one sleeve…and then the other. And voila! Not a perfect fit…But I could get it on! With only minimal snugness in the chest area when reaching and stretching too. I could even button buttons! though it pulls terribly, lol. I could definitely wear it out in public with it open and look quite posh. I am sooo glad I bought this coat in a timeless style! And to think I nearly donated it last year! Woo hoo!!!! it's an XL!!! (eyes dance in excitement)


Ditto for a denim blazer I bought years back as well (also XL). I plan to throw that on in the upcoming weeks…..i think it would look great with my new brown trousers. The new pants were the only things I didn’t try.

Things are coming along nicely. I definitely have the encouragement necessary to make it over to the gym this evening and make it a 4 workout week.

I also bought some storage containers today…..I am supposed to began packing this weekend…..but wow. I have no idea where to even start. I have sooo much stuff. I’ve lived here for 3 years. I figured a good place to begin would be in the closet downstairs(mess, madness, mayhem) and summer and spring clothes…..but, the sheer volume of stuff is overwhelming. I can often get stalled on big projects. Just thinking about how much there is to do can shut me down and result in complete procrastination (hmmmm…sounds a lot like weightloss, eh?)……..i should just start. Pick up something, anything, and put it in a box…and then the next day do it again….and again…and then maybe, by the 27th, I would have packed up my life…and thrown out the rest.

Could it be that easy???

I don’t know.

Blessings…..

in a haze of desire...

What happens when an edgy diva leaves the vet’s office, with significantly lighter pockets, after a full day of emotional drama?

She goes to the grocery store….

And in the grocery store she combines her two addictions:

1. Spending money she doesn’t have

2. Delicious food

She then walks out in a hormonal haze…content and determined to bake the most delicious chocolate chip cookies she’s ever put in her mouth.............


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I happen to be the diva in the blurb up there…….i am sitting at my dining table…waiting patiently for 2 sticks of premium butter to soften…giving it the time it needs to prepare itself for the eggs…the sugar…the 2 types of expensive chocolates I chopped by hand….the toasted hazelnuts.

In my rational mind…I know this is slowly spelling dietary disaster. But I’ve locked Rationality up in a closet upstairs and plan to make passionate love to at least 2 decadent hunky chocolate hazelnut cookies tonite. The cooking is simply exquisite foreplay.

It’s raining. Its been a long, looong day at work…its been one emotional extravaganza after another. I miss my man……I got my period.

And I’m gonna eat some d@mn chocolate cookies.

Case closed.

here comes the fat....

I have a confession.


I have been mock planning my future wedding fairly intensely for the past few days.


Honestly. This confession runs deeper. I have dabbled with mock planning my future wedding since February of this year. actually, last year when a friend…ok, ok…a close friend of a close friend of mine got married. I was so excited with all the talk of dresses, cakes, and flowers…that I began a small file folder of my own ideas. Just things that I saw that I liked....possible ideas for the future


Now I’m back at it.


Its soothing…I enjoy it. Dare i call it a hobby? There is sooo much to look at! So much to read! So many ways to style it and such. I am a planner at heart so putting together anything with countless details brings me joy. I love lists. I love spreadsheets. I love putting together samples and compiling information.


I’m on cloud 5….cloud 9 would be reached if I were planning the day for real.


For days I have been completely obsessed and completely preoccupied with how to pull off a classy looking affair for roughly $7000. Lol. Please do not laugh at this paltry figure…it very well may be my actual budget when the time comes.


and to remain in the vein of all things wedding obsessed, of course I'm considering my body during this whole process. I wore my charcoal suit today…it was LB last year fashion for those who can remember. Its loose! The jacket is baggy…the trousers had to be rolled down at the waist in order to keep them up and not sag in the butt like a poopy diaper. My gf T thinks I might be able to wear my 18 trousers sooner rather than later. I’m hoping she’s right. Someone suggested that instead of weighing myself, I could try on those new 18 trousers each week. I like this idea. I’ll definitely try on my trousers again this weekend. I’ve played in my mind how I might look in a wedding dress….but I don’t envision my current body. Actually the body I see in my head is roughly a 14 or so….dont know why a 14 instead of a 12…but whateva…and I have been considering weightloss living at my parents house instead of on my own….i ordered the TaeBo AMPED system today…which is a decent price…but its not until right at the end of the order, when you have to approve it, do you find out that there is a $14.95 shipping charge. Ouch! And I have no idea when its supposed to ship…or how long it will take to get to me. i am now slightly uncomfortable with the order and just hope and pray it will get to me in 3-4 weeks...for $15 i should get it tomorrow!


I ordered it today expecting it to get to me before i move…bc I like to transition into routine...I would like to incorporate some TaeBo workouts into my current routine instead of going cold turkey off the treadmill and starting up with straight TaeBo. Years ago I tried one of the original TaeBo tapes and I really enjoyed it. It was fun! So that’s what spurred me to choose this dvd over others. I’ve done the FIRM in the past, but it requires the fanny lifter and a balance stick and weights and all this other stuff. Stuff I don’t have already. I’ve got one of the dvds and actually went to a FIRM gym for about a month and a half 3 years ago. I enjoyed that as well (and it really works for those who may be considering going to their gym or ordering their program)…it seems that when I get in the habit of exercise, I do actually like it. Its just remembering that when I get into those lulls of inactivity.


Ahhh…where am I going with this?? Hmmmm……..


Oh yeah! Getting in shape and having an awesome body would be a great bonus for me as a bride.


I have a strong desire to be married next year…though that ball is not in my court as I am of the traditional set that will wait to be proposed to rather than be the one proposing. a recent conversation with LR revealed that with the higher cost of living up there….he may have look into getting a 2nd job to make things work sooner rather than way, way later.. The only thing that is a remote possibility is tutoring with a higher hourly rate. With unpredictable lab hours it would be near impossible to do anything structured. The only thing is, he is hesitant to post his contact information in public areas since he’s a post-doc…so he wants to be under radar to the other faculty and staff at the university. I am not entirely sure as to why...if this is frowned upon or a pride thing. The way he talked made me think it’s a combo of the 2…


Heaven knows I will welcome the day when money is not such a deciding (and restricting) factor in every solitary decision we have to make.


So that’s whats up with me…and what was up with that little poll question I presented yesterday. One key point that I failed to make is that the pedestal with the cupcakes would have been used as a centerpiece on round banquet tables….i’d incorporate it as part of the décor..feel free to continue to pipe in on that question….


Also….for those of you who are married, and care to share: what was your wedding budget? And what did you actually spend? it would also help to know what location/region your wedding was in as cost vary quite a bit depending upon where you are located….

Thanks! off to DIY Brides...lol.


Blessings…….

clippins....

picture this....

i am sitting at my desk with my shoe off. my knee high is pulled off too bc i have decided that my baby toenail needs trimming. i am sitting here with my nekkid foot crossed over my knee with my nail clippers in my hand.

i have just made the first clip......

......and in walks my boss.

can we spell embarrassed???

F-O'-S-H-A-M-E

i decided that i needed to trim that baby nail right then bc today is my first day wearing a "real shoe" since about april. so the length my toenails can be during the summer in sandals is a hair longer than the fall/winter length in heels. i was really noticing it as i walked around and instead of noticing it and ignoring it as i normally would, i had decided to be proactive.

this would only happen to me after i had been asked to pull out all the data we have on a certain retailer's assets.



great......

(update post below.....)

work in progress....

Ahhh…another Monday. Another new month.

My weekend was pretty good. I did go to the home tour, but did not go alone as I planned to. At the last minute I called my friend “Single T” and she was available…so we made a day of it.

So many beautiful things…..i have pics, but I’m updating at work today so I’ll have to show a few of those later.

For the past 3 months, Mondays have been my weigh in days. The day that I check out last week’s progress and check in with you guys for accountability and such….

This morning, I peed, pooped……looked over at the scale…..

today I’m doing something a bit different.

I’ve become a bit number obsessed lately. i don’t like the scale dictating the mood of my day so much…..so I’m gonna switch my focus away from it for the next several days.
I’m thinking about 2 weeks.

I’m gonna keep doing what I am doing. Continue to eat “right”. continue to get in my exercise. Continue to remind myself daily to do some ab work, and then skip several days in between sessions (this is a hard habit to break, I tell ya!). I’m gonna drink all my water. And have faith that by working hard and continuing “on plan” the weight will come off.

The only thing is, since I’m in stone throwing distance of my 30 lb loss, should i check in periodically to see when I hit that? I’ve got a reward riding on that number. I could simply reward myself in 2 weeks or so. I haven’t made my mind up yet. But im gonna get that new purse AND i’m gonna post pics of it too.

I’m doing this for sanity’s sake. This past weekend, at the tour of homes, I walked by sooo many mirrors. I am in the southeast, so its still pretty warm here despite it being Fall. each time I passed a mirror, I couldn’t help but look over at myself…my reflection really leaves something to be desired and not just bc I was sweating like a mule either. I’m a work in progress….so I didn’t let my reflection put me in the dumps or anything. It was just a little disappointing. But then I thought about how I might have appeared in those mirrors nearly 30 lbs ago, and that made me feel a bit better.

I squeezed into some other size 18 clothing this weekend. Just for the sake of it….to keep myself motivated. In particular a khaki colored skirt that I loved sooo sooo much. it belongs on my list of favorite apparel that I’ve outgrown and plan to reclaim. Section 18 is what I should call it. there weren’t that many personal faves in this section bc I was just sooo distraught over leaving my 16’s behind. But this skirt always made me smile. And this weekend when I squeezed it over my hips, buttoned, then zipped. it made me smile again. I wouldn’t wear it in public….though thinking back I think the skirt was about that tight before I finally decided that I couldn’t wear it anymore. picture me squeezing into it, then then sitting down, squatting, bending over. doing whatever it took to get that skirt to loosen up a bit. Not a cute picture.

This success is what made me try on the new size 18 trousers. I was able to get them up and buttoned and zipped. if I were still in the clubbin’ era of my youth, they would have been excellent with the right thong or g-string.

alas, I club no more. I am sure I have a few male colleagues who would appreciate those pants. what guy doesnt love to see some huge bootie in some tight pants??? are they straight???

but I doubt HR would have the same approving stance.

I guesstimate that another 10 or so lbs will make them perfect fits, worthy of the office.

I do plan to pack them up with me, at least the black ones, when I go up to visit LR the weekend of the 19th.

I am existing on vapors of sleep today. I got into bed later than usual, about 1am. Then had trouble falling asleep until after 2. a bathroom break in there somewhere and then I was up at 5:25 coughing. I’ve been up ever since. Made it to the gym and arbitrarily picked today to amp up my workout again. I am now walking a little faster up a steeper incline.

I felt it and sweat buckets. A measure of hard work for me.

This will be my last month to fully appreciate my little gym provided by my apartment complex. I’ll have to start screening exercise dvds for the next month and future at my parents house. any suggestions?

Well, that’s it….what little bit of energy I had for the day has been consumed at the gym and on this update post. Lol….

Happy New Month!

Blessings....